did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
You Might Also Like
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
she has a point