When does CPR become necrophilia?
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Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
2022 will be better than 2021
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today