ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
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A collection of me turning into random objects.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body