You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
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[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
This makes total sense…
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis