There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
You Might Also Like
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Monday Lisa
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard