If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
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Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction