My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
You Might Also Like
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
This is me
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?