Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
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Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
your honor my client chooses dare
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”