“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
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Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Finally!
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year