The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
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*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee