In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
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Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
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Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.