Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
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HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.