Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
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[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?