Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
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Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
White parent Vs Arab parents
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Breakfast for Stoners:
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.