Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
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Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
craving $300 all of a sudden
every college guy’s fridge
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Liquor Store Parking
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.