If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
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“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.