as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
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Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
IT’S-A ME,
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?