bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
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The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.