[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
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is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”