Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
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I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market