Doing math together is known as fourplay.
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Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅