me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
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Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
The police never think its as funny as you do.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!