Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
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[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home