Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
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“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣