[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
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Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday