I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
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Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡