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[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.