If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
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Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*