In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
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Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
How do you like your Corgi?
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
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ʸ
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A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.