I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
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I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died