two people or more is called a problem
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As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.