If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
You Might Also Like
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.