What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
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Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Going to church you guys need anything
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again