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According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.