January is lasting longer than my marriage
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She puts the hot in psychotic
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Saint West, the patron of selfies
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
📽️movie date🎞️
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.