When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
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Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
When you kidnap a writer.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.