OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
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There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
we’re gonna need another temp
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that