Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
You Might Also Like
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.