I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
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I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.