7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
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I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
The French cow says MEUX…
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.