Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
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inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
“and how does that make you feel?”
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid