“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
You Might Also Like
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
what day is it?
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
his wife is probably gonna see that
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.