Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
You Might Also Like
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
The first matador
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
A friend sent me this.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.