Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
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food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Swedish for common sense.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING