I only say stupid things when I talk.
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ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what