I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
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Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
There is wisdom there.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.