YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
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*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Swedish for common sense.
mathematically impossible
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML