The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
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Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.