Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
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When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
WHY would you be happy about this?
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Good point.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…