Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
You Might Also Like
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here